The Voice From The Back Row

The issue of widespread opiate addiction is an acknowledged public health issue and has received attention from both politicians and those engaged with programs or grassroots efforts to heal and prevent addiction.  Media attention comes and goes, but the issue is viable and periodically gains media attention so that the general public is made aware of it.  There is another addiction, though, about which the public hears much less.  Nevertheless, the addiction is real and perhaps of even greater influence on humanity in general than that of the opiates.  It is the addiction to technology, in particular, social media and “smart” devices.

I recently read an article posted March 11, written by Richard Freed, child and adolescent psychologist and author of “Wired Child: Reclaiming Childhood in a Digital Age”.   The article, entitled “The Tech Industry’s War on Kids: How psychology is being used as a weapon against children” describes in detail how children are being addicted to Cyberspace, to their screens and devices, while parents are unaware until the damage is done. This address was connected to the article:   https://medium.com/@richardnfreed/the-tech-industrys-psychological-war-on-kids-c452870464ce    Freed begins with the case of a teen brought by parents for counseling.  The parents reported the crisis to be” the culmination of a yearlong downward spiral spurred by a phone obsession…. When the “latest report card revealed a number of failing grades, the parents felt compelled to act.”  They took the teen’s phone away.   This precipitated an outburst which involved property damage, attacking the mother, and threatening suicide.  Asked during therapy why, the teen responded, “They took my f***ing phone!”, adding about the phone and social media, “They make me happy.”  The article goes on to detail how technology in such programs/apps as smart phones, social media and games have combined sophisticated technology with knowledge of psychology to create user experiences which can addict the user, especially children, to the devices and apps they are using.  The article cites ” persuasive technology, a discipline in which digital machines and apps — including smart phones, social media, and video games — are configured to alter human thoughts and behaviors. The lab’s website boldly proclaims: “Machines designed to change humans.”  The addictions “better demand users’ attention, compel users to return again and again, and grow businesses’ bottom line.”   The addicted children” believe that this makes them happy and successful, and they find it easier than doing the difficult but developmentally important activities of childhood.”   This summary catches the main idea but does not do justice to the article itself.

I was stunned by the information in the article.  I have long observed and commented that our children are being drawn into Cyberspace, much as the children of the village of Hamlin followed the Pied Piper into the mountain, but I had no idea that this was being done, at least in part, by the intent of the makers of the devices.  My first reaction was outrage against those who regard children as fodder for growing their bottom line.  I should not have been overly surprised.  After all, what has the tobacco industry done, the food industry with its genetically modified foods, the oil and gas industry and their pipeline subsidiaries?  Our society in general currently holds human life in lesser esteem than profit and dominance.  We, as a whole, seem to value children much less than the lip service we give to them.  What about funds for good schools and colleges?  for supporting family functioning?  for making sure all our children have houses, enough to eat and adequate medical care? Instead, the funds are given to corporations, CEO salaries, the military and other endeavors to increase the GDP.

Next came a question:  where are the parents??  There are those of us “out there” who are aware and speaking.  When enough of us awaken, perhaps there will be enough impetus to change some of these parameters.  Those who are in the first line of interest are the parents.  Somehow, however, according to the article, the perpetrators have managed to circumvent the protective attention parents usually give their children.  How have they managed to accomplish this?     Something in today’s society seems to have weakened that parental instinct, making parents partly if unconsciously complicit in their children’s addiction.  Perhaps, among other things, it is because children tend to imprint on whom or what they spend more time with, and in many cases, the majority of that time is spent most consistently on screens.

In one sense, children are less free today than ever.  The parent who allows a child to roam, even short distances, risks someone calling child protective services to remove the child from the home, citing neglect.  Children are supervised at school, in transit to and from school, at after school activities, and, presumably, in their homes.  The freedom to bike alone to a friend’s house or wander in the woods or fields behind a house, or even in a neighborhood, is a condition of the past.  Surely, children are protected.  On the other hand, many children see or interact with their devices more than they do with their parents.  The two-income home, with both parents working full time (or more) simply to make ends meet, has become a standard.  In the process, children are interacting in large groups in daycare, at school and with their peers and their devices, with which they seem to be provided at younger and younger ages.  Schools also teach from screens rather than books, paper, chalkboards and interaction, because that saves money.  The excuse is that the children are being trained for a workforce also based on screens, for primarily the same reason. When, in the late afternoon or early evening, parents manage to pick up their children from daycare and return home from work, exhausted by the day’s fast pace, they have little energy to spare.  It seems enough to feed their children dinner, require them to do homework, sometimes drive them to lessons, and send them to bed.  While parents are engaged with finishing the day’s business of home chores, such as cooking and laundry, children are often left to engage with “electronic babysitters”, the games, devices, medias and apps (and even TV) that keep them quiet and content, not bothering their parents with demands for attention. Notice, attention is not services or provision for needs. Many parents struggle with this issue of finding time to completely engage with their children, giving them full attention.   In the process, they remain unaware of the effects the contents of the screens are having on their children until it is too late.  It is time to wake up.

Those of us who want children need to reconnect to the awareness that children take time, money, attention, interaction, guidance and discipline to reach an optimal maturity.  They need this even if parents are exhausted from the demands of modern life or do not have the money they need to provide the best for their children.  For those who can afford the luxury of a nanny/housekeeper, the same is true.  Children still need the time and energy and attention of their parents.  Society needs to find ways to help parents provide that.   Institutional daycare is not an answer, even though there are good daycare “schools” available.  Daycare institutions are businesses; for the most part, their bottom line must take precedence over what is given to the children, or they will not stay in business.  And, they are not parents.   Social programs that provide income for stay-at-home parent time, guaranteed basic income, cooperation within community, and parenting instruction in high schools and colleges are initiatives which might be supported at a grassroots level as efforts to benefit both adults and children.  Awareness among parents, grandparents and prospective parents can drive these changes; without the awareness, it is unlikely change will be made.   We need, parents and non-parents alike, to wake up to what is happening with our children, to reinstate the protection of our interactive attention, to take into account the activities of those who prey on children for profit and realize what the abuse of powerful tools such as technology can do to our children.  If not, we may lose them forever.

Addiction to various forms of technology (aka, screen addiction) inhibits children from the communication in real time necessary to maintain friendships and other social relationships, including those in the workplace.  It inhibits them from learning simple skills, such as how to do simple calculations or make change.  It inhibits them from spending time outdoors playing sports or learning about nature from observation and experience.  It encourages an insensitivity to others and to nature and our planet.  It encourages them to learn only what they need to go more and more deeply into their addiction.    Granted, not everyone is addicted.  However, given what the creators of persuasive technologies are doing, everyone has the potential for addiction, unless we all wake up and notice what is going on.

I wish for all of us that awareness.    Let us reclaim our children and reclaim their childhood for them.

Peace, Diane

“Remain calm but hold your head high and let your strong spirit show through your eyes.”    We were in Tai Chi class, learning some of the principles that underlie that discipline.  The instructor demonstrated for us.  An absolutely perfect form, with head held only slightly low, and no energy shining from the eyes looked a bit like a zombie performing.  There was quite a difference between a perfect form enacted calmly but without spirit, and a perfect form enacted calmly with spirit.   That lesson can carry over into life.  To do whatever action we are called to do with confidence (head high) and spirit (alive and aware) greatly enhances the chances of success and contributes generally to our well-being.

For example, it is important to prepare for a job interview.  Yet, no matter how much one may have prepared, engaging in the interview in a diffident manner, not making confident eye contact with the interviewer, hesitating while giving answers – even good answers – drastically reduces the chances of being offered the job.  Engaging with confidence and spirit enhances one’s chances.    Or, a parent who is finding it difficult to control a demanding or rambunctious child can find his or her calm slipping away, resulting in an angry outburst.  When the calm has gone, it is useless to try to control the child except through fear and violence, which is only the semblance of control.  Most of us have experienced this at least once, especially when exhausted.   The principle of calm, with held high and spirit showing has broad applications.

“How can I hold my head high and show confidence when I am weighed down by responsibilities and feel I am not able to meet the demands required of me?”  one might ask.  “It is easy to do this in a Tai Chi class, where I am not the responsible party and Tai Chi is all there is to accomplish there.”  The answer lies in the secret which an artist might call negative spaces.  In art, the image is created by the negative spaces around it.  When the form is provided, the essence fills it.  Even if one does not feel confident, the straightening of posture, the raising of the head and looking out upon the world as if one were its friend and equal evoke a confident feeling to fill the space those actions create.  At first, it may seem like playacting.  But practicing the playacting over time will build the feelings and attitudes one is trying to establish.

We live in a world that can be difficult and chaotic.  Stress, anxiety and depression are increasingly noted across all categories of people.   Sometimes it seems difficult to continue in an unfamiliar world or an unfamiliar situation.   We do not have to succumb to these things.  Again, the discipline of calm mind, head high and strong spirit oppose anxiety and depression and maintain balance in chaos.  We can choose to stay centered, wherever we are.   Yes, it takes practice, but so does any worthy endeavor.   Calm mind, head high and strong spirit are available to all.

It seems to me that the practice is worth it.   It is worth it in Tai Chi class, and it is worth it as I try to negotiate my life.   It is worth it for feeling better and accomplishing more of what I want to do.  No, I am not a master of the discipline.  But it is worth it to keep on trying.

I wish us all the balance and centeredness, the calm and confidence, strength and insight that we need.  The world is growing, and we are growing with it.  The combined direction of our becoming will influence the nature of the changes in our world.   May those changes be ones that facilitate the life and well-being of ourselves and of the creatures, plant and animal, with which we share our planet.

Peace,  Diane

 

Stories

“Once upon a time,” I began to my seated group of preschoolers.  They sat quietly, focused on the story.  No wiggling, poking each other, speaking out of turn, or other behaviors so often seen in preschool “circles”.  They were listening.  They were listening even more intently than when I would read a book to them.  They were intent on the story being told.   It was not a new story – The Three Billy Goats Gruff – but they ingested each word as if it were.  Was it the familiarity of the story, or the fact that it was being narrated?  I am not sure, but apparently the story was powerful.

Our lives are about stories.  Some of them we read in books and watch on movies and TV.  Some of those stories have a powerful effect on us, changing the way we see things or how we respond to them.  Others are less impactive.  We tell ourselves stories, too.  Sometimes we are aware of our minds rattling on about the story, whether something unusual imagined, or a dream, or a rehash of something that has occurred.  These stories affect us.  They influence our emotions and inform the way we interpret what we experience.  They motivate our reactions.  Some of them are more powerful than others.

There is a kind of story we tell ourselves which is even more powerful.  This is the kind of story which is a vessel for portraying our deepest beliefs about ourselves, reality and life.  Although it seems to be reasonable when apprehended, there is no real intellectual content, as might be in a religious belief or dogma.  This story is told not at the level of intellectual perception, but at the level of deep underlying emotion.  Sometimes we are not even aware that the story is being told.  It inhabits our subconscious mind.

The power of this kind of story is that it shapes our lives.  A story about being poor and never quite succeeding to make money can make sure that in our lives we find financial scarcity.  A story relating relationship after relationship that melts away can bring forth a life in which we feel essentially alone, unable to make lasting relationships.  A story about being a successful manipulator might even evoke the life of a successful con man.  Some people who touch these stories identify them as past life experiences that have not yet been let go.  Others may recall a forgotten trauma (whether or not that trauma actually happened in their current lifetime) which has shaped the story their unconscious is telling.   Such experiences generally take place in a setting of therapy, meditation or spiritual growth program or practice.    How, then, would someone not following those exact paths be able to discover what stories they are telling themselves?

One way is to look at how one’s life is unfolding.   Yes, other things do affect one’s life, such as the gifts one is given to manifest on earth, the special circumstances or challenges one is given, and the energy of the people and movements around one.  However, what one tells oneself about these things strongly affects what one does about them.  Assuming one can change one’s life script, such change is not a panacea, but is often an overriding factor.

Here is an example:  a man is born who comes to understand much and who has much to communicate.  He is also born with a speech impediment.  His story could be, “No matter how much I try or what I am given, I have an impediment or impediments which always prevent me from expressing who I am or what I know.”   It is quite probable that man will rarely or never be able to communicate well except on a basic level.   However, if his story could go something like, “I am strong enough to overcome impediments, and always end up accomplishing what I set out to do,” his life might go quite differently.  The Greek orator, Demosthenes, was born with a speech impediment, a strong stutter, yet ended up becoming one of the greatest orators of his time.  In most cases, the second man’s life would be more satisfying than the first’s.

We can, then, look at the things in our lives that we seem inexplicably to not be able to overcome.  Are we stuck in low end jobs?  Do people seem to never listen to what we say?  Does it seem impossible to find an equitable loving relationship, romantic or otherwise?  Do we have goals that seem impossible to achieve, even though others have achieved them?  Do people routinely take advantage of us, or fail to appreciate us?  It may be that there is an unconscious story that is creating these negative loops.  When there is, that story can take precedence over any outside influence that is brought to bear.  It is common enough that when a pauper wins the lottery, there is joy and abundance for awhile, until the abundance vanishes, and the story of financial poverty reasserts itself.

This is not to say that we should engage in bouts of self-blame for creating for ourselves realities that we do not want.  Such blame is useless, and even reinforces those results we do not want.   However, it may be useful to spend some quiet time meditating, journaling, sketching or otherwise seeking the underlying stories that we are telling ourselves.  Once we are aware, it is possible (though not always easy) to change those stories.  One can always find a therapist or spiritual teacher.  Or, one can try the self-help methods of affirmations, journaling, drawing/painting, music/singing, time in nature or whatever method is most suited to the person one is. The object is to rewrite the negative story whenever one is conscious of its rearing its head, and to act in ways other than a passive acceptance of the status quo.   An “unheard” person might find ways of expression (speeches, counseling, writing, e.g.) whether or not s/he is heard.  A person of limited financial means might find increasing ways of treating him/herself to niceties that cost some money, or perhaps design creative budgets for projects that help others.  A person who feels alone in life might try volunteering or joining groups or even risking one-on-one encounters, at some level behaving as if he or she were not alone.  The more levels at which one can rewrite his or her story, the more effective it will be.  It is not instant, though.  Stories which have been with us for a long time can take time to dissipate or rewrite.

Most of us are aware that our world is in desperate need of positive, life-sustaining changes and a gentler story.  Those changes start with us humans who inhabit the earth.  They start with those changes which create happier, gentler, more compassionate people to replace the suffering and destruction we too often see.  It is to our benefit and the benefit of our earth that we discover the stories which motivate our lives and begin to fine tune them towards the results we want to see.    I wish you all the courage and persistence needed to do this.

Peace, Diane

Keeping Connections Shiny

One of the things I miss from before the pace of time increased exponentially is having time to connect with people, to keep in touch with family and maintain friendships, to engage in casual conversation longer than “How was your weekend?” or “Have a good day.”  At first, email seemed to often be an adequate substitute for phone calls, slow mail letters, and actual in-person conversations.  Now, many people (myself included) seem to have little time to engage in email, resorting instead to the shorter medium of texts.  Essential information can be communicated that way, but the art of conversation is lost, and neither email nor text can replace a visit or a shared activity.  Accelerated activity seems to be undermining the ability to perceive and maintain connections.

What we often do not see is that we are all connected, whether or not we pay attention to or maintain these connections. Even the most reclusive of us has them.  They are a theme in literature, a central understanding in mysticism and most religions, and a basic assumption in community.  The Native American expression “all my relations” emphasizes the connection between all the dwellers of the planet Earth.  We connect as we produce and consume, nurture and are nurtured, play, grow, participate in the activities of life itself.  Through memory, we maintain contact with those who have passed.  We are connected to each other and to the Earth. We may neglect our connections and allow our perception of them to weaken, but we cannot be totally free of them.  Research shows that the healthiest and happiest of us have strong social connections.  In a manner of speaking, through our connections we give life energy to each other.

It benefits us to keep our connections clear and open.  This is especially true now, in this era where the speed of things leads us to neglect even those human connections that most benefit us.  Human contact demands that we pause and pay attention.  The challenge of the times is that maintaining our connections requires that we cease hurrying and set aside a slower paced space of time while simultaneously time itself seems to have become quite difficult to find.  Although it may seem impossible to nourish connections in a milieu which requires that most available time be devoted to one form of work or another, and in which things like paid vacations are rapidly diminishing for many, it is possible to find moments in which the small steps that keep us connected may be taken.

For example, words of appreciation to family members or coworkers create a glow in the recipient and reflect back to us the positive energy we have extended.  The same is true for small compliments given to strangers.  These are things which are done in the moment, and do not require reserving large sections of time.  The reverie of remembrance can take a little longer but connects us with that which we are remembering.  Thinking about one who is not present connects us to that person.  What takes longer are the things we all know need doing – taking the time to visit or host, stopping the busyness to sit and listen, share an activity which is not necessarily work, write letters and emails, send cards and acknowledgements, volunteer to help in ways which are personally connective, reach out to strangers, be open to communication and feedback – we are aware of these.  The challenge is not that we are ignorant of them, but that doing these things is difficult in a socio-economic setting which emphasizes speed and production.

I personally find it frustrating to be faced with the choice of doing what needs doing or acquiescing to needed sleep.  I do not like the choice between too much time spent working to earn the money which supports me in a consumer society, and taking time to visit family and friends, or engaging in social ritual (attending weddings, Christmas traditions, birthdays, holidays, to name a few).  That these have become challenging perhaps makes them even more important to do.  It is good to remember times in which productive activity could be balanced more equitably with social interaction, but not useful to dwell on that.  The balance people find now will not be a simple retreat to the past, but a new adaptation to what now exists.  Perhaps the growing structure of intentional community will provide a model, a model in which work, leisure and decisions are shared and human interaction is more readily available.  Until then, it is still necessary to keep connections open and shiny, by whatever means one can.    Our human connections are too important to lose.

May we all cherish and appreciate each other and keep open our channels of communication.

 

Peace,  Diane